Mia's Placement Day

Saturday was the hardest day, by far. Although I've had the most questions about this special time, I don't think I will be able to write as much as I felt. 

I have never felt as I did that Saturday. It was...profound the love that Brad and I have built for this daughter of God, Meri. I can honestly say I care for her as my sister. When the time for placement came, right before Meri and Mia were discharged, we needed some time apart. As I sat in the room next to hers Brad had to hold my hand to keep me from running to her. I wanted to throw my arms around her and cry with her. I will never know exactly how she was feeling at that time but I can say, my heart was literally breaking inside of my body. I hurt. I felt physically hurt. I can't even type this without tears and I'm not even telling you 1% of it.

 I also felt a lot of guilt. Logically I knew it wasn't only my decisions that brought us to that day, that moment. I knew that I wanted to raise Mia. To take her to the temple and teach her everything. But feelings of logic were buried and all I wanted was to hold my sister and to tell her that my heart was with her. To say anything to take away her pain. But that job lies with another. 

I sat with a wall dividing us and as I sat there I prayed nonstop. For her to have peace. For her to heal. For her to not go away and be gone from us forever. The caseworker and Brad were quietly talking beside me, trying to pass the time in something other than awkward silence. But I couldn't take it anymore. I needed the Comforter. Meri needed Him. I needed to focus on the Atonement and how Christ has already been through this pain. I could lean on Him, and so could Meri. I asked for us to pray and as Brad offered the prayer I knew that we would survive the day. I knew that we were loved and that we were being watched over.

 I felt my Saviors love. 

Time passed, and awhile later, someone came in, I don't even know who, and said oh look you're headed home! Let's take a picture! As I look back at that photograph we look hollow. I've studied our faces and thought over those moments. I've stared at the picture, trying to come up with a better word than 'hollow' but it's the only one that will come. As I explored those feelings deeper I realized I was hollow because a piece of my heart had just walked out of the hospital. I have given of myself completely to this woman, my sister, and no amount of love for another person or gifts or anything can take her spot. It's hers and I will never again be the same. I realized that I would only be whole and be able to move along happily if I knew that part of me was safe with her and that we were able to share our connection of Mia in the way Heavenly Father wanted us to. 

Well I've spoken of Meri's superior personality on here many times. Of her bravery and maturity. She emailed later that night to tell us she loved us and that she was feeling much better. She expressed joy that the three of us were finally a family and that although her hormones and emotions were up and down, overall she had peace about the events. Oh Meri! How we love you! When we got that email we held each other and cried. I felt that hollow part of my heart start to fill back in and it felt amazing to know we were all going to be okay. 

The next day was Sunday, Mothers Day. I woke up to my sweet husband and daughter who had prepared a gift of Billy Joel's song, Lullaby, which Brad sang perfectly. It is amazing to hear his range of song and this beautiful gift. I was so honored he did that for me. Then of course there was Amelia :) Oh our little darling. I felt blessed to be able to hold her all day on Mothers Day. I loved mothering her and spending each second watching her and loving on her. Sadly, Brad had to leave early afternoon to head back to Iowa for rotations starting Monday. We had brought two cars down in preparation for this. Then it was just time for me to wait for the papers to go through! 

This was difficult for me to write, to put it mildly. Do not assume I have given Saturday, placement day, justice. I have not. That day is a part of us in a way that few other days in our lives are, or ever will be. I cannot share everything and am already emotional at what I have written. I hope as Mia reads this someday she will feel of the immense, unmeasurable love Meri has for her. That she will know that she came from a loving family, into a loving family. We will always consider her lucky to have such an amazing birthmother as Meri. Blessed. That's a better word. We are all so blessed.