Let me tell you what Beautiful looks like...

I honestly feel as though I may burst with joy.

This past weekend was one of the best of our entire marriage. Want to know why?

We got to meet the most amazing woman and see a picture of our daughter! 

Want me to start at the beginning?

I thought so:)

We had been constantly praying all last year to know what to do about my job and commuting. We knew it wouldn't work with a family but it didn't make sense to quit and sit around waiting for our adoption miracle. In October we had a strong confirmation that it was time. I needed to end my job, stop driving 130 miles each way (hooray!), and be home full time. It took a leap of faith for us because we we didn't know what was around the corner. I didn't have a great job lined up. We weren't talking with any birthmothers. We just had these promptings to go off of. Well I can tell attest to the blessings that follow when you listen to those promptings. When you pray, receive an answer, and follow through, listening and acting in earnest faith. 

8 days after I turned in my notice to leave my job, we got an email from a case worker we had been working with in another state, stating that there was someone who was looking at our profile.

Okay....awesome :)

From there it only got better. We started emailing with Meri at the beginning of November. Our emails seemed to fly back and forth every day for awhile and then as some of the initial excitement calmed down we started emailing every other day. With each email we sent we felt like we gave a small part of our hearts to her. We tried to prepare ourselves that things might not 'work out'. That we might not be this precious baby's parents. We tried, we really did. But to be honest, it just felt so right it was hard to hold back and keep that part of us reserved in case she decided on another path. 

Through November and December we kept emailing...sending pictures and getting to know each other. Since she would often email in the late evenings sometimes I would find myself waking up in the wee hours of the morning, grabbing my phone, being blinded by my phone lol, as I rapidly, excitedly checked for an email. Then I would try so hard to fall back asleep or at least lie still until it was an acceptable hour to wake up Brad (ok I'll admit it...sometimes I couldn't wait!!) and read him the message. We emailed about favorites in every category, about plans for the future and past memories. We talked a lot about our families. We discovered mutual likes such as movies & queso and other things that were dissimilar such as the fact that she doesn't eat many fruits and veggies. 

We had been hopeful but not sure how things were going at the beginning of January. We had been told that she had been emailing other couples and that we were "one of a few" that she had narrowed it down to. This is one reason we decided not to talk to our friends and family about her and the situation. We simply didn't know.

Then two awesome things happened. First, her sister asked to email with us. Just reading her thoughtful words I felt this connection that cannot be described. It was a wonderful feeling and I will just say that her input and value in this equation cannot be measured. She lives in another state but we are looking forward to the day we meet her.

The second thing happened when I was on my way to the airport to go to Houston. I got a call from her case worker that she wanted to meet with us. How soon could this happen?, he asked. Ummmm....I'm going to Texas for 9 days! Ahhh! Thoughts of canceling my flight and entire trip so that we could go meet her that day flinted through my brain but in the end I calmed down, realized she would still be there when I got back, and knew that I had been looking forward to this trip for over a year. Well, since the day I left last time :) I needed sister time and to see my niece and brother in law. I had plans to see my friend Jenn and her beautiful family. I had been looking forward to going to the ocean. So we scheduled the meeting for the day after I got back from Houston. When I called Brad to tell him the news he was extremely emotional. We both felt the culmination of months of joy and patience and waiting and excitement and just every emotion you can think of. At this point since we were anticipating good news we were about dying to tell our families but the case worker said, not yet. Wait until you talk with her. 

So the day I came back from Houston I was home a couple of hours, long enough to do a load of laundry and pack the car. Brad zipped home as fast as he could and we hopped in the car. The drive was awesome. I loved having that time with him where we could catch up from all that we missed while we were apart and to also talk about how the weekend might go. 

The weird thing is, if a year ago you had asked me to describe what I might feel or think the day before meeting one of the most important people in my life I would have been way off. Yes, the excitement was there. But there was this seed of calm that was planted the day we got that first email. With each day the  calm feeling has grown in my heart. Then the day we actually met, it just felt so good to be there with her. To give her the big hug I've been dying to give since day 1. Of course I said some silly things. But the overall feeling was wonderful and I love to reflect back on that meeting and remember that warmth.

I won't go into a lot of details but it was at this meeting she gave us the most perfect, beautiful gift a person could ever give. She gave us a photo album with an ultrasound picture on the front that said, Congratulations Mom and Dad, it's a Girl! Inside were 4 more ultrasound pictures. Pictures of our daughter! I keep telling Brad if she looks anything at all like Meri it would be the best ever because she is so gorgeous!

We stayed and chatted a bit and then we left, went to lunch, and met with an attorney. She will be helping us go before the judge and make sure we are doing everything correctly. She will also help us hire a lawyer to represent Meri. 

By the end of Friday we were spent. We headed back to the hotel and made a few phone calls to family. Then we got into the 6 feet deep hot-tub the size of Texas (ok not really but it was ginormous) and talked and planned and laughed out loud with happiness.

The next day we sadly checked out of our amazing hotel (we could have stayed there forever) but were glad to drive to have lunch with Meri, her sister (not the one we were emailing with) and brother in law. What a fun lunch and an awesome couple! It was encouraging that the same feeling we had when we emailed her sister came back when we were around her other family. It was easy to talk and laugh and hang out. We are hopeful that maybe we can go for another visit before she is born just to hang out :)

A few facts that you might be wondering:

- Meri is not her real name. Her name and picture won't be up on the blog or anywhere public, just out of respect for her.

-She is due May 19

-Meri has the most beautiful blue eyes. No, seriously- so exquisite. She has brown curly hair. She has an athletic build and if you were to see a picture of her you'd be jealous because even at 23 weeks she is hardly showing.

-Spiritually our beliefs are the same.

-Her family loves her so much and they are, each and every one of them, extremely supportive.

-We haven't decided where or when she will be blessed or sealed. We want to find out if her family will want to be present. If so, we will try to pick a more convient location for everyone.

-We haven't decided on a name but together she and us will find the perfect fit.

-As of now, she has asked that we be at the hospital when she is born (this was a joy beyond words for us)

-The adoption will be open. We will be in very different locations, especially in the first year, so it will probably be a lot of emailing and pictures. We are leaving it open to visits in the future if she would like. We love and admire her already and are hopeful that she would want to visit sometime. Wherever we are, she will always be welcome in our home.

Our album

This was me pretty much 100% of the time after receiving the album. I didn't want to let go of it and even drove with it on my lap :)

Dinner the night we got the wonderful news!

This is dorky and maybe some people won't understand but what Meri did when she gave us the album was, among other things, giving us something physical we could hold. We were in the store later that day and saw these little stuffed characters from Finding Nemo, which was the movie we saw on our first date now almost 10 years ago. Somehow it seemed fitting to buy them for our daughter. I plan to embroider the date into the fabric.

Lunch an hour after meeting Meri and before seeing the attorney. Can you see the glow?? (ps: Brad has been writing this blog with me and wanted to say his face was as tired from real smiling in this picture as our wedding day)

Ultimately there were a few things I wasn't expecting or couldn't have anticipated from all of this. Some of them I am still unraveling in my mind and figuring out for myself. However, I will share one thing with you because of how extraordinary it truly is.

Adoption has many challenges. One of which is that all of this joy and excitement follows something that is not ideal and heartbreaking. Internally I had been struggling. As I got closer to Meri I thought how can I be happy when she will be the one going through the pain and the heart ache? How can I possibly allow myself joy? I love Meri! I want her to be happy and safe and know how incredible she is. I want everything for her- because that's how much she deserves. So as we met I wanted to be happy and excited but there was still a part of me that thought....that somehow... it would be cruel or rude or unfeeling of me to act how I was feeling when I knew that in no way could this be easy for her.

And this is where my emotions get the better of me because Meri blew all that out of the water. Her level of unselfishness swept me off my feet and launched me into outer space haha. When I say she is a beautiful person, I don't just mean on the outside. The whole visit she wanted to know how did our family and friends react- "tell me all about it! and of course you need to have a baby shower! send me pictures of the room when you get it all decorated! when are you going to blog about this trip and please do soon I'll be waiting! and I'm so excited for you to be parents you're going to do great!" 

It was hard to hold onto that piece of me that was saying I should be walking on eggshells when she was so encouraging, supportive, loving, and enthusiastic. This is why I am posting these thoughts, feelings, and events on the blog. This is why Brad and I feel like the most blessed parents-to-be in the world. And this is why our hearts of so full of joy this frosty Sunday morning. 

We are living the miracle of adoption!