44 & 45

Amelia

I wonder at why it's taken me so long to write this letter to you. Is it because I think time will pass slower if I delay? Or is it because we have been busy? Doubts sometimes creep in that you'll never read these or will think they are just the ramblings of your silly Mother....but even if that's so, I will keep going for now. I want you to always remember how much I love you and how honored I am to be a part of your life. I am blessed beyond description, beyond anything imaginable. That's really how I feel.

Christmas was wonderful and yes, very very busy. We drove to Oregon and arrived late the night before Christmas Eve. Getting to spend that time both as a family and with our extended family was extra special. You got many presents, both from your birthfamily and from us. You especially received games we can play as a family, dress up clothes, nightgown dresses for sleeping, a Baby Elsa doll from Frozen you adore, and books. After Christmas, you got to spend a couple of one-on-one days with Grandma while Dad and I did an interview for a job in the area. Then we took you and the Ferris' and stayed up at another city for an interview. We had lots of fun together staying up late, dance parties, playing games, eating, and exploring the area. Coming back home was tough after all that fun!

We spent the next month busy with a vacation for just Dad and I to Mexico and while he and I had a nice time enjoying the warm sun, scuba diving ship wreaks, and swimming with the whale sharks, we missed you terribly. It was, we learned, too long of a trip and we won't go for that long again until you are older. We missed you so much...it really is hard to put into words. This coming summer we will travel a ton as a family and while there will be ups and downs, I am sure, I also know we will grow closer and we will love building those memories all together. You, on the other hand, had an amazing time while we were gone and loved playing in the snow that fell almost every day we were gone, having friends over, and getting to have five extra cool siblings for the week. We have been back a month and you are still talking about being at their house and how much you enjoyed it.

Also in the last couple of weeks, we have made a big family decision to accept a job for Daddy. While we are still negotiating a contract, we have told you and you are thrilled. Every day you ask me if today is the day we are getting to make these changes. While I am confident we have made the right choice, seeing you so happy about it makes my heart full of joy. There will be pain we feel when we leave as this is the only home you remember and we have made such wonderful friends here, but Daddy and I will be right here with you to help you transition. Luckily, we will keep in close contact with everyone and come back to this area often. I love you, darling, and I feel such an excitement to finally be able to give you what you have been asking for for so long.

Lately you have been getting older, more mature in some ways. When you get your rest (ha.) you are so reasonable. It's refreshing haha. I love our talks and how you are able to listen, think it over, and respond thoughtfully. When we were in Mexico you stayed with our friends who is a Pediatrician and he took me aside when we got back and said, um, you know Mia is smart, right? And I said yes.... and he goes, no, like, I mean she's really really smart. I laughed super hard and said, I tried to warn you before I left! hahaha. It's true though. The things you think through amaze me. Sometimes I push you to a higher level of thinking and consistently you are able to keep up. You are absorbing a lot at pre-school as well. You are able to count very well- not just saying your numbers but actually count how many books we have or how many hair clips. We practice all the time and you're really good at it. You have also been trying to learn to read by picking out the letters that you know and making their sounds. I'm obviously extremely proud of you and while I don't know exactly where you "should" be at this stage, I feel like you are, at minimum, right on track.

This is the part I think that has been holding me back from writing this letter. I don't know if I should write this or not. I go back and forth every day. But what I think I keep coming back to is that this is a journey....and it's not always going to be smooth or straight or someone else's definition of normal. And the truth is, I'm doing the best I can for you, my little one. In speaking of maturing, you have been progressing emotionally as well. A few weeks ago you started asking me more about babies- specifically, how they grow, how they come out, and who is there helping at the hospital. I always try to answer your questions in an age appropriate, but honest, way and that has seemed to be working for us. You caught me though when you said,

why did I come out of my birthmother's tummy and not your tummy?

I said that Heavenly Father has a beautiful plan for each of us and nobody's plan is the same. I told you that His plan for you was to have even more people that love you and that to get to Mommy and Daddy, you were in your Birthmother's tummy. You then said that you didn't "want that plan" and that you wished you could have been inside me. Then, you burst into tears. I held you, my sweet angel that has been prayed over more than any baby girl in the whole world, as you sobbed and sobbed and began your grieving.

When we were preparing to be parents, we went through classes on the facts of adoption being connected to not only happiness and joy but loss and grieving. Somewhere in me, I think I figured these feelings would come....but at three? You seem so small to me but your heart is big and your mind is sharp. You can't help it, these thoughts and feelings are there and they are real. I pray every night that we can, together as a family, work to understand His plan for each of us individually and appreciate all we have been given. I know we will. My heart is full tonight reflecting on your birthfamily and all the love I have for each of them and the love that they have for you. It is beautiful, Amelia. In that moment, you felt tremendous loss but I feel confident that as you get older, you will feel their love for you so strongly and be able to appreciate each of these people and their unique roles in your life. At a tremendous price, I was able to be there when you came into this world and now I fall to my knees in gratitude as you ask me intimate details of those moments and I am able to answer your questions. To see you visibly become more calm as I answer them with first hand knowledge is such a gift to us both.

You cried for a long time as I held you and you held me back, so tight. It's not a moment I'll ever forget. Then we got up and decided to take a nice warm bath and get ready for bed. You will come to me again, I am certain, with more of these feelings, and that's okay. I love you. Daddy loves you. Your birthfamily loves you. You are one really, really loved little girl, and that is just how it's supposed to be.

Mommy