a quick read

(My Child Your Child by Terry Treseder & Terrilyn Ainscough)

Sometimes I struggle with the direction I want this blog to take. Is this a place to share our feelings, thoughts, and everything-in-between as as go on this journey? Is this a place where we mainly put on our smiles and happy faces and hope that we qualify to be parents? Is this for me? For birthfamilies?

I don't know.

So ahead I forge. This is all new to us in every way. When I went to the FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) meeting last week there wasn't a lot going on. We mainly talked about the huge convention that's coming up in June that will be held in Denver. Oh man I want to go so badly. The speakers sound amazing. But with work I'm not sure I'll be able to. Still in the works :) While at the meeting though my caseworker Christy asked if anyone wanted to borrow this book. I had just finished Steve Job's autobiography (I thought it was wonderful!) so after a pause I snatched it up. And I'm glad I did! The whole time I was reading I kept thinking... people who haven't experienced infertility always say to me that they simply don't know what to say. 

It's ok, I think to myself, I don't know either. 

Do you want to know what we've gone through? The conversations we've had about our deepest fears and all the trials surrounding adoption and infertility but don't know how to ask? If so, read this book. A hundred times during this book I thought, this is almost word for word what we said/did! It made tears flow as I realized, yet again (apparently I need constant reminding) that we are not alone. That we aren't BAD or WEIRD or DIFFERENT because we haven't had a family yet. Sometimes it can be so isolating.

Side note. 

See what I mean, about the blog, though? Would a potential birthfamily want to read this stuff? Or hear about our latest vacation and how awesome it was? 

I'll try to mix it up for you, k?

Anyway the book was great. I had reservations from the beginning because it was written 20 years ago. Funny how relationships and human nature doesn't necessarily change with time. They also had a couple of perspectives from the birthmother's side which I thought was very helpful. It's not like I don't think about their side all the time, though. Sometimes more than my own....

I could also relate to one lady's story in particular. She talked of being a stockbroker. Being very successful. But she wanted a family so badly. Then when that wasn't fulfilling her they moved so she could go to graduate school. Then when that wasn't enough it was onto another thing and another until... she continually felt frustrated and like she was running this never ending marathon where the finish line - the goal - was parenthood and it was eluding her at every turn. So she kept busy. What else is there to do when your husband is also busy and you have no children? Sit around? I could relate. And I could understand the criticism she encountered. One friend actually came over and told her that she needed to stop focusing on her career so much and think about an eternal perspective and a family. My heart broke for her. I have often gotten comments about my career choice and our choice to have me work as much as I do. Part of me defends it. I love my career in sonography. I help people. I am good at my job.

And the other part of me knows that I am simply keeping busy while I wait my turn.