A good Read

Part of the adoption process includes training that we must complete that will help us as new parents and will help us with the unique challenges of adoption. This is a requirement of the state and it can be fulfilled with selective books, movies, and classes. I had to work last weekend so I headed over to our local library and checked out a few books that looked promising. One of them was Keys to Parenting an Adopted Child by Kathy Lancaster.
I'll admit it. I started this book thinking how different could adoption be? I mean, I will love our child just as much and that's the most important thing, right?
And the answer is yes, it is the most important. Loving and raising a child to be self sufficient, a good member of society and have a testimony of Christ are the most important things.
However, there are things along the way to think about as we reach said goals. I had never thought about adoption as a 'loss' probably because what I'm thinking about are the positive aspects- for us, our family. But the fact of it is that when we adopt, our child will have 'lost' (*strong note here that I don't like that word for what we are talking about but the author uses it about a zillion times so I'm going with it) their birth family. And although the end result may be positive and although it may be what's 'best for everyone', that doesn't mean that the child as he or she grows will not experience these stages of loss. And that is something I totally did not think of.
The author puts it well:

"The search for self is an important aspect of the adoption experience. It is, in fact, an important aspect of any person's growth and development. The struggle to figure out who you are, where you fit in, and what you will become is universal. For adopted people, a major difference in their search for self is that a part of them has been cut away. The sense of a lost past and lost relationships is complex for adopted people. Adoption loss is more extensive, less socially recognized, and more penetrating than other losses that children experience, such as the death or divorce of their parents."

I feel that I went through some of this with my parents being divorced. The author states that adoption is different from divorce but I can definitely say I have felt that 'search for self' within myself at different times throughout my life. I hope to be able to use my experiences to help my children with their journey. And isn't that what it's really all about? As parents we basically agree to take on the role of showing someone else the way... to try to guide them to make good choices, grow closer to Christ, and have respect for themselves and others. And so although I feel adoption may present a different journey than someone not adopted, since no two lives are identical that must mean that each must be tailored to fit the needs of the child anyway. It's not such a big difference that the person cannot reach their life goals.

Another part of the book that opened my eyes was the part on the child (note here when I use the word 'child' I do not necessarily mean someone who is young) wanting to meet their birth parents. The more Brad and I have talked about things, the more interested we are in having an open adoption whereas initially I felt intimidated and vulnerable at the thought. Still, even as my opinion began to change I knew that it would be natural to want to meet one's birth parents but I didn't know the why. And she lays it out so clearly for me:

" Need for knowledge. They want to find out what their birth parents are like- their interests, talents, and, most important, their physical features. The comment that searching adults frequently express is a desire "to find someone who looks like me" and to find a physical measure of what they might become.
Affirmation. Adopted people also express a yearning to tell their birth parents that they are okay, that the decision for adoption resulted in a good life for them."

So interesting to me because just this last year or so Brad's cousin who was adopted at birth and is older now having returned from his mission just found his birth mom and met her for the first time. At the meeting, she brought along grandparents and he brought his Mom and Dad and sister. When I spoke with them afterward each of them commented on how he had her hands. On and on about their hand similarities! lol. At the time I didn't think much about it but now it makes more sense.

Speaking of genetics, another part of the book I really enjoyed was about nature and nurture. The author basically says that by far most children grow up and show influences of both the adoptive and birth parents. That "children inherit a range of characteristics that is strongly influenced by their environment" is so true of all of us. Studies have shown that heredity accounts for approximately 50% of a person's personality (25% from each parent), and nongenetic factors account for the other 50% (30% from environment and 20% from parenting styles). Although genetic factors account for 50%, it was interesting to note that it is the other 50% that greatly influences what parts of the genetic make up will be manifest. For example, someone may be an incredibly gifted painter but unless they are exposed to art and painting, that may never become a part of their lives. But isn't that true of each of us? So again, maybe not so different.
Anyway, I want to write more of these thoughts down... another time, another post :)